I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
