Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
