Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
