Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
