Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
