I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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