Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
