Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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