Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
