my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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