I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
