If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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