she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
