He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
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We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
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My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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