I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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