Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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