First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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