Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
