Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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