I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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