Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
