If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
