I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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