I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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