I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
someone owes me an orgasm
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
