ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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