the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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