She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
