Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
