Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
