When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
