I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
