its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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