I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Drunk is not a location!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
