well I can't set my house on fire every night
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
