forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
