Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
false alarm, still single
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
