Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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