If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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