in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
