I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
