I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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