If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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