Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Randomize
