I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
