when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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