Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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