I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
