Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
