The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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