can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
