In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
