There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
