guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
