Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
