i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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