Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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