I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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