I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
